Faith, Community and the Family

Have you heard of the African adage, "It takes a village to raise  a child?"

It takes a village is a proverb that leverages the cultural context and belief that it takes an entire community to raise a child. A child has the best ability to become a healthy adult if the entire community takes an active role in contributing to the rearing of the child.

To me, the "community" part means our religious community.  Being involved in this
type of community gives me and my family support.  It can also be strengthening to our marriages. In a study done on fidelity involving 3,000 couples, found that religious involvement appears to protect against infidelity, but only among those who were reportedly satisfied in their marital relationship.  

Another recent study that was done addressing Internet pornography and it's effects on the marital relationship and family ties, found that greater church attendance was related to lower rates of pornography use. Similarly, it was found that regular attendance at religious services was related to lower rates of domestic violence for men and women.  

Just imagine what our world would be like if everyone would have a religious belief and would attend church.  I believe that this world would be a better place and people would be more honest, caring, loving, etc.  

As families nurture and strengthen individuals, so also communities nurture families, providing a setting within which they can become and stay strong. Families are both protected and assisted by strong communities. Strong community organizations, including schools, churches, councils, service clubs, and so on, supplement and complement the efforts of parents, not only making their work easier but often making the difference between success and failure. Without denying in any way the paramount importance of the family, the old African proverb that it takes a village to raise a child has much truth in it. 

Women are much more likely to have children if they are involved in a faith community.  When religion is important in a woman's life, this appears to shape childbearing attitudes and behaviors, and that family situation (such as the presence of children) also seems to influence religiousity.  This holds for some men as well.

I have found in my marriage, that having the same beliefs and attending the same church helps us to be "equally yoked."  by this I mean, we work as a team.  We have the same goals, desires for our children, and we attend church together.  Same faith marriage are much more stable than interfaith marriages (Bahr, 1981).

 

All marriage will have their share of challenges and problems, including some related or made worse by their faith involvement.  Overall, marriage-based families in which the parents share religious involvement seems to fair comparatively well.  Shared faith is a principle that "successful marriages and families are established and maintained," even during the storm. 

The Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider

Benefits

In movies, the internet and television, marriage is portrayed as "sexless, boring and oppressive"(Marcotte, 2009, p. 1).  This may be true for many people in the "real" world, but research reveals that married couples, including women are far from oppressed.  There are many benefits of being married.  There are exceptions, but overall married people have:    

• Better health
• Are generally happier
• A reduction in depressive symptoms
• A higher life satisfaction
• Better mental health

Cohabitation

Many couples are afraid to jump right in to marriage, so they choose to "test drive" their relationships by moving in together.  Usually men and women who move into together don't understand the realities of premarital cohabitation.  There is a higher rate of divorce for couples who live together before marriage and lower marital quality.  Couples who lived together before marriage have reported lower levels of marital satisfaction than married couples who did not live together.  Infidelity is also more common among marriages where the couple had lived together before they got married as well as physical aggression.  

There is so much clear evidence that good marriages are undoubtedly worth the work, sacrifice, and commitment they require.  There are many unique benefits to marriage, and the disadvantages of alternative family forms are all too common.  Marriage benefits begin at the ceremony, and spread into the lives of husbands, wives, their children throughout time; then eventually help to reinforce neighborhoods, communities, and the world.  

Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity

Keeping our marriage vows with complete fidelity forever

In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it says, "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between a man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.  They should honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

In the world today, there is a misconception that infidelity involves only sex outside of marriage, but being completely faithful to one's spouse, requires more than not committing adultery.  When we get married, we are completely giving ourselves to our spouse.  We love our spouse and God with "All our heart, might, mind, and strength"(D&C 4:2).  Our spouse is the only other besides God who we are commanded to love with all our heart.

Every day on the news, you hear about the indiscretions of athletes, celebrities, and politicians. Television makes infidelity seem like an everyday occurrence.  Surprisingly, according to research done by the National Marriage Project (2009), 21 percent of married men and 14 percent of married women in 2000 report ever being unfaithful to their spouse.  Yes, this sounds terrible, however this number has not increased over the past 20 years.

There are four general types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.  Fantasy Fidelity is having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is happening, or someone who is anonymous, (like on a social network or chat room).  Let's say John and Emily are married.  John frequently fantasizes about one of his co-workers, a woman and what it would be like to run away with her and have a life together.  Would John ever act on this fantasy?  Maybe, maybe not, but because he is imagining what life would be like with another person, he is not being faithful to his wife.  It is important to remember, "For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he"(Proverbs 23:7). The line can seem blurred, but this infidelity is all about emotions.  If we find ourselves putting more effort into another relationship, then we need to stop and think about how this is affecting our marriage.  

The second infidelity is visual, and is one of the most common types in our world today.  Pornography involves the common practice of self-stimulation while viewing pornography.  In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus has warned that we should not look upon anyone lustfully.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught: "Pornography impairs one's ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex.  It erodes the moral barriers that stand against inappropriate, abnormal, or illegal behavior.  As conscience is desensitized, patrons of pornography are let to act out what they have witnessed, regardless of its effects on their life and the lives of others."

Romantic infidelity happens when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse.  It can be described as a "second life" and can be a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life.  Satan tries to convince us that our life is boring and we need to escape our dull routines and relationships.  Those who are unfaithful, however will over time become disappointed since everyday life will catch up to us eventually.

The final type of infidelity is sexual infidelity.  This occurs when a person engages in sexual acts outside of marriage with or without emotional attachment.  It's important to understand that infidelity is very subtle and does not begin with adultery.  It begins with thoughts and attitudes.

There are many ways to avoid infidelity.  Here are just a few:

-Be loyal to your spouse
-Put your spouse first
-Control your thoughts
-Be on guard. Have boundaries and draw the line with others of the opposite sex.

When we have appropriate boundaries, are loyal, control our thoughts, and put our spouse first, our marriage will unlikely be hurt by infidelity.

Pathways to Eternal Marriage

The last time I posted here was in December of 2102.  I have been in school for five years!  I did not want to take too many classes at a time, so it's been slow going, but I am getting it done!  I should graduate next Spring in Marriage and Family Studies.  I am really excited!!

I am attending BYU-I online.  Most of you will be familiar with that school.  It is a religious school affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  This is the church I have grown up in and know all my life.  I love it.  I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and he is my brother.  He loves me and you.  He loves everyone.  He wants us to be happy.  Part of that happiness will come from living his commandments.  

I am going to take a different road with this blog for a while.  At school, I am taking a class called "The Family."  It is based on "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." I will be sharing different aspects of the proclamation and how I feel about it.  I am doing this for a project for my class, but I am excited and happy to share some of my beliefs.  

"In 1995, leadership from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as Mormons) released “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” a document outlining Mormon beliefs on families.

Its purpose is to clearly “proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” as well as define important beliefs about the family’s eternal nature, the sacredness of marriage, and parental roles and responsibilities"(https://www.mormon.org/blog/the-family-proclamation).

There are some of you who may not believe the principles I am going to discuss here. That's OK.  I hope that you will still read what I have to say.  We can have a difference of opinion and still be open to hearing to each other's beliefs.  I have decided to start out by leaving my comments section open.  I want to hear what you have to say, what you agree with and what you don't agree with.  But I am not going to change what I believe, so I would ask you please to keep the comments positive and respectful and I will leave them open.  If it gets too negative, I will remove them.  If you feel you need to unfollow me, that's OK.  I will get over it....Thank you so much!

Young adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

What are some milestones that are a necessary part of becoming an adult?  Accepting responsibility for oneself?  Achieving financial independence?  What about marriage?  It seems as if society is changing their attitudes about marriage and the transition to adulthood.  The trends in our current society reveal that there are many stumbling blocks in today's dating and courtship culture that require young adults to approach marriage with an even greater degree of faith and steadfastness than was required in previous generations.  So how can young adults move toward marriage with faith and confidence?

I have found it interesting in my studies of marriage that despite the growing trend to put off 
marriage, research indicates that having a successful marriage is still highly valued among emerging adults, especially for those who have never wed, marriage remains a life goal. About six-in-ten (61%) men and women who have never married say they would like to get married, according to the 2010 Pew Research survey. Only 12% say they do not want to marry and 27% are not sure  (http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/02/13/love-and-marriage/).

I know many young people are a little pessimistic about marriage, given the divorce rate today.  The divorce rate in America is between 40-50 percent, and even higher in subsequent marriages (http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/).  Because of this pessimism, many young people are putting off marriage and using their young adult years as a time to pursue their personal interests and become independent financially.  In a recent study, a considerable proportion of emerging adults reported that to be ready for marriage, they need to be financially independent, finished with their education, and settled into a long-term career.  Many are even saying they need to be able to pay for their own wedding, and have purchased a house before they get married.  Gosh, at this rate, not very many people will be married anytime soon!

Dating
Do you remember dating?  Well, these days it seems to be going away.  Only 50% of college women reported that they had been asked out on six or more date, and a third said they had been asked out on two or fewer dates (Glen & Marquardt, 2001).  More young men and young women are "hanging out," instead of dating.  Then there is "hooking up, which is basically having sex with someone without expecting anything of the relationship.  This is very widespread and accepted in today's world.  Cohabitating has become embraced as well by emerging adults.  62% of young adults reported that living together before marriage is a good way to avoid eventual divorce; more than half of all marriages today are preceded by cohabitation (Whitehead & Popenoe, 2001).

Cohabitation
Many friends I have talked to feel that "living together" takes the risk out of marriage and reduces the odds for a divorce.  This is not the case; Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not live together before marriage (Jose, O'Leary, & Moyer, 2010).

Becoming the right person for marriage
When it comes to dating and becoming the person you want to be for marriage, Elder David A. Bednar warns young people about a embracing a finding-focused view to dating and counsels then to practice a different approach.  He visits with young adults all over the LDS church.  Many young people will ask, "What are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?  As though they have some checklist.....You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics.  You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person"(2009).

I want to share a personal experience here.  When I was twenty, I met a guy who I thought was "the one."  We dated, and got married within about 4 months.  1- 1/2 years later we were divorced.  I am not sure why it didn't work, other than I was young and had no idea what marriage was supposed to be like.  I did not understand that marriage was more than just a couple relationship.  I thought being married would bring me personal happiness, emotional gratification, physical attraction, good communication, pleasurable intimacy, and basically a wonderfully happy marriage.  Well, to some extent those views about marriage are correct, but I didn't understand that the "couple relationship" goes deeper.  There is a sacred aspect to marriage that I knew nothing about.  Marriage is a divine institution.  I was missing out on the sacred aspects of: commitment, sacrifice, selfless caring for one's spouse, and benefits of marriage for children.

As a Mormon and Christian, I am learning that there is so much more to create a loving and lasting marriage.  When marriage is looked at as a divine institution, this grounds a couple's relationship in the principles of discipleship, covenant making, cleaving, equal partnership, the sacred responsibilities of husbands and wives, and eternal purposes of marriage.  Viewing marriage in this way teaches us that one of the keys to lasting marriage is to seek not just compatibility with one's spouse, but also to seek alignment with God.

I have been married now for 22 years.  My marriage is not perfect by any means.  It is still a work in progress.  I know that Heavenly Father has given us the institution of marriage for a reason.  We need to form loving and lasting relationships.  We can do this through marriage and family.  The world is changing, along with the definition of marriage, but God doesn't change.  I am so grateful for my marriage.  It isn't easy.  There are ups and downs.  There are wonderful times and hard times.  My goal with this blog is to share some of what I have learned about marriage and families with you, and hopefully we can all learn together.

Have a great day!

  

*Most of the information that I have shared here is from the book Successful Marriages and Families, Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives.  Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, and Thomas W. Draper.

Keeping it Real {Sunday}

What a beautiful Sunday afternoon it is here in the Great Northwest!  I am so glad we are having some sunny days.  During the Spring here in Oregon we get a LOT of rain, so I am really enjoying the last couple of days!

Yesterday was such a fun day.  We celebrated my mother's 81st birthday!  I can't believe she is 81.  Where do the days go?  She is such an amazing woman.

I love this picture of my parents!  This was several years ago on New Years Eve.

This picture was taken in 2003 after they returned from a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Albania.

My father turns 81 on the 22nd of this month as well.  

They are such amazing people.  I love them so much!  I am so grateful to them for their example to me.  I am so thankful that they adopted me 43 years ago!

Thanks Mom and Dad for being the best parents in the world!  

I love you!!

Happy Birthday!!

Family Wood Blocks

Hello! 

 The sun is out and the kids are outside playing and here I am on the computer!  I just had to post this craft that I finished yesterday.

  Please excuse the crappy pictures.  I let my older kids take my camera out of town (I know, what was I thinking!), so I had to use a really cheapo camera that my daughter should have taken with her, but instead she has my good camera, arrgh!!

I bought the vinyl like 3 years ago from a friend and it's just been sitting around.  Finally I got motivated to paint it!

For this set, I used coordinating Scrapbook paper and mod podged it on the blocks, except the long one.  I just painted that one of my favorite colors:  Americana- "Spa Blue."  The "Family" blocks I painted with Martha Stewart's "Wedding Cake."  

I love the Spring colors, don't you?  

I may give this one away, but it will be hard to part with it!  

Hope your day is going great and that you have lots of Sun where you are!!